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I Already Paid A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed $4. "But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer. "Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did." The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay, he pulled the same stunt. The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks. The man hurried into the bar and began to drink highballs when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way." |
Job Interview Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of salary he was looking for. "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years...say, a red Corvette?" "Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah, but you started it." |
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The Blonde Speeder A blonde woman gets pulled over for doing 85 in a 25 mph zone. The cop asks her for her license and registration. She says, "License, what's that?" He replies, "It's what they ask for when you buy liquor." She says, "Oh, I get it," and hands him her license. Then she asks what a registration is. He says, "It's probably in your glove box. Just open it and give me the papers inside." She does, so he returns to his car. He calls the police dispatcher and says, "I think I just pulled over the dumbest blonde ever! She didn't even know what a license was." The dispatcher says, "I know who she is. She's driving a new BMW, with pink mirrors." The cop says, "Yeah, how'd you know?" The dispatcher says, "Never mind that, just go up to her car and drop your pants." The cop says, "No freakin' way!" The dispatcher says, "Just trust me, all the cops in town have done it." So the cop agrees and reluctantly walks up to her car. He looks around and then drops his pants. The blonde woman says, "Another breathalyzer test? No problem, I pass these all the time." |
A woman walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. Next to her sits a man wearing a cowboy hat, western shirt, cowboy boots, and jeans with a big silver rodeo buckle. The woman looks at him and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replies that he's spent most of his life bustin' broncos, mending fences and rounding up cattle so, yes, you can say he is a real cowboy. He then asks her, "So what are you?" She replies, "I'm a lesbian. I spend most of my time thinking about women. When I'm eating, working, washing or sleeping, all I think about is women." She finishes her drink and leaves, and a young couple comes in and orders drinks. The woman notices the cowboy and asks him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He ponders the question and replies, "I used to think so but I just found out I'm a lesbian." |
| An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building. A young and beautiful woman smelling like expensive perfume gets into the elevator, turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old Italian woman reaches her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks at both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound." | An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish fellow are having a toast to what a great bar they had found. Then the Irishman sets his glass down and agrees that this was a great bar but says, "Back in old Dublin, there was a better bar called O'Malley's. Why at O'Malley's, you buy your first drink and lo and behold without fail, O'Malley himself is right there to buy you your next one, on the house." Not to be outdone, the Italian proclaims, "Back inna Sicily there exists a bar called Guido's that was even better. At Guido's you buy your first drink and in true Italian spirit, they get your next two drinks absolutely free." They all agree that this sounds like a wonderful bar, and then the Polish man stands up and says, "Back in my hometown of Warsaw there's a bar named Kronski's that hands down has them all beat. At Kronski's you buy your first drink and amazingly they buy your next five drinks. Then as if that's not enough, they take you in the back room and get you laid!" Overwhelmed, the Irishman and the Italian respond by saying, "You're telling us you get five drinks on the house and then they take you in the back and get you laid? This really happened to you?" The Polish man replies, "Well not to me, but it did to my sister!!!" |
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WORDS OF WISDOM, TO MANY PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT PERSON, INSTEAD OF BEING THE RIGHT PERSON THE ONLY REASON SOME PEOPLE GET LOST IN THOUGHT IS BECAUSE IT'S UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. ELENOR ROOSEVELT HE WHO ANGERS YOU CONQUERS YOU BEFORE MARRIAGE A MAN YEARNS FOR THE WOMAN HE LOVES, AFTER MARRIAGE THE Y BECOMES SILENT WHATEVER HAPPENS TO YOU, IT TOO WILL HAVE HAPPENED TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW ONLY MORE SO. |
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